Dangerous Golf

3 03 2009

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, “What happened to you?”
“Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the
cow’s arse.”

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, “Hey, this
looks like yours!”

“I don’t remember much after that…”

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This made me laugh..

16 02 2009

I assume this has done the rounds over the years, but it appears to have passed me by.. No matter, it still made me laugh on a dreary Monday afternoon..

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn’t help but notice how lovely Peter’s flat mate, Joanne, was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than
met the eye.

Reading his mum’s thoughts, Peter volunteered, ‘I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates’.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, ‘Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan, you don’t suppose she took it do you?

‘Well I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her just to be sure’ said Peter.

So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DID NOT’ TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I’M NOT SAYING THAT YOU ‘DO NOT’ SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day,

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER





This made me laugh..

22 01 2009

Ah, the Sixties…

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

‘Oh, come on in!’ Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in. ‘Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?’

‘Tea, please,’ Fred said. Mum brought the tea..

‘So, what are you and Sue planning to do tonight?’ she asked.

‘Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Wimpy Bar, maybe take a walk on the beach…’

‘Sue likes to screw, you know,’ Mum informed him.

‘Really?’ Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

‘Oh yes,’ the mother continued. ‘When she goes out with her friends, that’s all they do!’

‘Is that so?’ asked Fred, incredulous. ‘Yes,’ said the mother. ‘As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!’

‘Well, thanks for the tip!’ Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

‘Have fun, kids!’ the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

‘The Twist, Mum!’ she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.

‘The bloody dance is called the Twist!